Tomorrow marks 3 years since I lost my Dad...3 years and 2 days since I spoke with him for the last time and 3 years since I have held anger...
I don't write much more about my loss because people move on and lives continue and I don't want to be a Debbie Downer...But I can honestly say now because I have lived it...you have no idea what it is like to loose someone until it actually happens to you...
2 years after I lost my Dad I finally agreed to see someone...I have always been VERY strong willed...VERY determined and VERY stubborn but this I couldn't do alone. The amount of anger I had was insurmountable and I promised on this 3rd anniversary I would write a letter to let go of my anger.
I don't write for sympathy or for sadness or poor me....I write in the hopes to let go or in the hopes for that anyone else going through these same feelings knows that they are not alone.
My dad beat stage 4 brain and sinus cancer to die of heart failure....It is amazing to me how one day can be dreaded all month. I didn't sleep at all last night. I kept replaying the day over and over again in my head that happened 3 years ago. For a long time it was a blur, but then as time went on it was all I could think about and it wasn't just his death that made me angry...EVERYTHING made me angry...
I used to love going on walks in my neighborhood...blaring music into my ears and drowning out my thoughts. My mom called Gabe on January 28 multiple times and I knew something was wrong...I no longer enjoy walks and honestly thinking of taking one sounds miserable. I am angry that something I enjoyed doing was taken away from me and it now covered with a memory I can never get over. I am angry that my husbands job was going through layoffs at the time and they made him come into work to find out if he had a job (which he did). I am angry I had to be alone. I am angry that because I was alone I had to tell my precious little boys they lost they grandfather by myself with no support. I am angry I had to drive to the airport by myself and fly to Atlanta by myself because of the situation with Gabe's job. I was just angry!
I was angry that I had no clothes to bury my father in in 20 degree weather. I was angry I had to write a eulogy for a man that meant more to me that I could ever express in a few words.
Then...the day before my mom, sister and I were to say good-bye...my mother had a heart attack. ANGER! I was then angry I was the oldest. I had to make the decision on whether to go ahead with the service or postpone because now my mom couldn't be there because she was going to be having surgery. We went ahead. My sister and I had to bury our father alone. Yes, we were surrounded by our family and friends but we have never felt more alone. We buried our father, went to a luncheon and had a church service all while our mother was under going heart surgery. I am angry that I don't feel he got all of the attention and sadness he deserved because I was focusing on how my mother was doing in surgery.Thank God she was fine, but after it was all over and you want to go home, take off your black dress and curl up in a ball, my sister and I went to a hospital to see our mom and tell her all about the day. It was miserable. And it wasn't just me. My little boys were with my mom when she had a heart attack and saw her being taken away in an ambulance. My oldest had nightmares for months about that day and that bugs were eating my Dad underground. And still to this day my youngest doesn't want to be away from me for the fear that something bad will happen if he leaves me for more than a day.
I have replayed these days over and over in my heart (Freudian slip) as I meant my head the past week. I don't understand why all of this happened. I don't understand how God would give one person all of this sadness to deal with.
My mom has moved on...She has a nice friend that she loves. Everyone wants me to be happy for her...I am happy for her. I am happy she is not alone. I would never want her to be alone for the rest of her life. I am so glad she has someone to laugh with and love her. But I think what she and sometimes her friends forget is that she has someone to hold hands with, see movies with and eat dinner with now. She has someone to tell her that he loves her and how beautiful she is. I am glad she has that, but I still have no father. I have lost the person that I used to call every single god damn morning while making my breakfast. I lost the person that I would know how to ease my fears. I lost the person that somehow could always make a bad situation feel better. I lost the person who would sing to be every birthday. I lost the man my kids loved an adored. I lost the man my husband considered a father because he didn't have one. I lost a piece of me.....
So on this third anniversary I am trying to let go of the anger...anger has turned to sadness and sadness has turned to letting go. It is so true...it doesn't ever get easier...it is just different. You learn to live your live and go on day to day. I always think about him. Some days more than others. If I see an older man with tall white socks and white sneakers it always reminds me of him. Before it would make me sad, now I love seeing people that look like that. I smile and it makes me think of him.
There is no amazing end to this long post. No inspiring turn. No amazing words of wisdom. I promised I would write to say all the things I held inside. To let out the anger. To let out the sadness. To let out the frustration. To let myself know that my feelings are allowed but that anger is exhausting. I know he wouldn't want me to be angry and because I know that....I have to let it go...
I don't write much more about my loss because people move on and lives continue and I don't want to be a Debbie Downer...But I can honestly say now because I have lived it...you have no idea what it is like to loose someone until it actually happens to you...
2 years after I lost my Dad I finally agreed to see someone...I have always been VERY strong willed...VERY determined and VERY stubborn but this I couldn't do alone. The amount of anger I had was insurmountable and I promised on this 3rd anniversary I would write a letter to let go of my anger.
I don't write for sympathy or for sadness or poor me....I write in the hopes to let go or in the hopes for that anyone else going through these same feelings knows that they are not alone.
My dad beat stage 4 brain and sinus cancer to die of heart failure....It is amazing to me how one day can be dreaded all month. I didn't sleep at all last night. I kept replaying the day over and over again in my head that happened 3 years ago. For a long time it was a blur, but then as time went on it was all I could think about and it wasn't just his death that made me angry...EVERYTHING made me angry...
I used to love going on walks in my neighborhood...blaring music into my ears and drowning out my thoughts. My mom called Gabe on January 28 multiple times and I knew something was wrong...I no longer enjoy walks and honestly thinking of taking one sounds miserable. I am angry that something I enjoyed doing was taken away from me and it now covered with a memory I can never get over. I am angry that my husbands job was going through layoffs at the time and they made him come into work to find out if he had a job (which he did). I am angry I had to be alone. I am angry that because I was alone I had to tell my precious little boys they lost they grandfather by myself with no support. I am angry I had to drive to the airport by myself and fly to Atlanta by myself because of the situation with Gabe's job. I was just angry!
I was angry that I had no clothes to bury my father in in 20 degree weather. I was angry I had to write a eulogy for a man that meant more to me that I could ever express in a few words.
Then...the day before my mom, sister and I were to say good-bye...my mother had a heart attack. ANGER! I was then angry I was the oldest. I had to make the decision on whether to go ahead with the service or postpone because now my mom couldn't be there because she was going to be having surgery. We went ahead. My sister and I had to bury our father alone. Yes, we were surrounded by our family and friends but we have never felt more alone. We buried our father, went to a luncheon and had a church service all while our mother was under going heart surgery. I am angry that I don't feel he got all of the attention and sadness he deserved because I was focusing on how my mother was doing in surgery.Thank God she was fine, but after it was all over and you want to go home, take off your black dress and curl up in a ball, my sister and I went to a hospital to see our mom and tell her all about the day. It was miserable. And it wasn't just me. My little boys were with my mom when she had a heart attack and saw her being taken away in an ambulance. My oldest had nightmares for months about that day and that bugs were eating my Dad underground. And still to this day my youngest doesn't want to be away from me for the fear that something bad will happen if he leaves me for more than a day.
I have replayed these days over and over in my heart (Freudian slip) as I meant my head the past week. I don't understand why all of this happened. I don't understand how God would give one person all of this sadness to deal with.
My mom has moved on...She has a nice friend that she loves. Everyone wants me to be happy for her...I am happy for her. I am happy she is not alone. I would never want her to be alone for the rest of her life. I am so glad she has someone to laugh with and love her. But I think what she and sometimes her friends forget is that she has someone to hold hands with, see movies with and eat dinner with now. She has someone to tell her that he loves her and how beautiful she is. I am glad she has that, but I still have no father. I have lost the person that I used to call every single god damn morning while making my breakfast. I lost the person that I would know how to ease my fears. I lost the person that somehow could always make a bad situation feel better. I lost the person who would sing to be every birthday. I lost the man my kids loved an adored. I lost the man my husband considered a father because he didn't have one. I lost a piece of me.....
So on this third anniversary I am trying to let go of the anger...anger has turned to sadness and sadness has turned to letting go. It is so true...it doesn't ever get easier...it is just different. You learn to live your live and go on day to day. I always think about him. Some days more than others. If I see an older man with tall white socks and white sneakers it always reminds me of him. Before it would make me sad, now I love seeing people that look like that. I smile and it makes me think of him.
There is no amazing end to this long post. No inspiring turn. No amazing words of wisdom. I promised I would write to say all the things I held inside. To let out the anger. To let out the sadness. To let out the frustration. To let myself know that my feelings are allowed but that anger is exhausting. I know he wouldn't want me to be angry and because I know that....I have to let it go...
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