Anger....Acceptance....

Tomorrow marks 3 years since I lost my Dad...3 years and 2 days since I spoke with him for the last time and 3 years since I have held anger...

I don't write much more about my loss because people move on and lives continue and I don't want to be a Debbie Downer...But I can honestly say now because I have lived it...you have no idea what it is like to loose someone until it actually happens to you...

2 years after I lost my Dad I finally agreed to see someone...I have always been VERY strong willed...VERY determined and VERY stubborn but this I couldn't do alone. The amount of anger I had was insurmountable and I promised on this 3rd anniversary I would write a letter to let go of my anger.

I don't write for sympathy or for sadness or poor me....I write in the hopes to let go or in the hopes for that anyone else going through these same feelings knows that they are not alone.

My dad beat stage 4 brain and sinus cancer to die of heart failure....It is amazing to me how one day can be dreaded all month. I didn't sleep at all last night. I kept replaying the day over and over again in my head that happened 3 years ago. For a long time it was a blur, but then as time went on it was all I could think about and it wasn't just his death that made me angry...EVERYTHING made me angry...

I used to love going on walks in my neighborhood...blaring music into my ears and drowning out my thoughts. My mom called Gabe on January 28 multiple times and I knew something was wrong...I no longer enjoy walks and honestly thinking of taking one sounds miserable. I am angry that something I enjoyed doing was taken away from me and it now covered with a memory I can never get over. I am angry that my husbands job was going through layoffs at the time and they made him come into work to find out if he had a job (which he did). I am angry I had to be alone. I am angry that because I was alone I had to tell my precious little boys they lost they grandfather by myself with no support. I am angry I had to drive to the airport by myself and fly to Atlanta by myself because of the situation with Gabe's job. I was just angry!

I was angry that I had no clothes to bury my father in in 20 degree weather. I was angry I had to write a eulogy for a man that meant more to me that I could ever express in a few words.

Then...the day before my mom, sister and I were to say good-bye...my mother had a heart attack. ANGER! I was then angry I was the oldest. I had to make the decision on whether to go ahead with the service or postpone because now my mom couldn't be there because she was going to be having surgery. We went ahead. My sister and I had to bury our father alone. Yes, we were surrounded by our family and friends but we have never felt more alone. We buried our father, went to a luncheon and had a church service all while our mother was under going heart surgery. I am angry that I don't feel he got all of the attention and sadness he deserved because I was focusing on how my mother was doing in surgery.Thank God she was fine, but after it was all over and you want to go home, take off your black dress and curl up in a ball, my sister and I went to a hospital to see our mom and tell her all about the day. It was miserable. And it wasn't just me. My little boys were with my mom when she had a heart attack and saw her being taken away in an ambulance. My oldest had nightmares for months about that day and that bugs were eating my Dad underground. And still to this day my youngest doesn't want to be away from me for the fear that something bad will happen if he leaves me for more than a day.

I have replayed these days over and over in my heart (Freudian slip) as I meant my head the past week. I don't understand why all of this happened. I don't understand how God would give one person all of this sadness to deal with.

My mom has moved on...She has a nice friend that she loves. Everyone wants me to be happy for her...I am happy for her. I am happy she is not alone. I would never want her to be alone for the rest of her life. I am so glad she has someone to laugh with and love her. But I think what she and sometimes her friends forget is that she has someone to hold hands with, see movies with and eat dinner with now. She has someone to tell her that he loves her and how beautiful she is. I am glad she has that, but I still have no father. I have lost the person that I used to call every single god damn morning while making my breakfast. I lost the person that I would know how to ease my fears. I lost the person that somehow could always make a bad situation feel better. I lost the person who would sing to be every birthday. I lost the man my kids loved an adored. I lost the man my husband considered a father because he didn't have one. I lost a piece of me.....

So on this third anniversary I am trying to let go of the anger...anger has turned to sadness and sadness has turned to letting go. It is so true...it doesn't ever get easier...it is just different. You learn to live your live and go on day to day. I always think about him. Some days more than others. If I see an older man with tall white socks and white sneakers it always reminds me of him. Before it would make me sad, now I love seeing people that look like that. I smile and it makes me think of him.

There is no amazing end to this long post. No inspiring turn. No amazing words of wisdom. I promised I would write to say all the things I held inside. To let out the anger. To let out the sadness. To let out the frustration. To let myself know that my feelings are allowed but that anger is exhausting. I know he wouldn't want me to be angry and because I know that....I have to let it go...

3 months tomorrow...In Loving Memory of my Dad

I haven't written in over 2 years...life has been busy...things have changed...things will never be the same. Since I last wrote, my sister got married, my dad was diagnosed with cancer, my dad beat the odds of stage 4 brain cancer, and less than a year later, he died of heart failure.

3 months ago tomorrow, my life changed forever. I will never forget getting the call from my mom that this time she was scared. She didn't know if he was strong enough. I will never forget the next call, a doctor - I said, he is ok, right, he is going to be ok - and all I heard was - I am sorry...I don't know what he said after that or if he even said anything. That was the moment I lost my Dad, my person, the first man I ever loved. 

The days that followed were the hardest of my life, especially when my mother had her heart-attack. I am the older daughter, the strong/stubborn daughter, and the fighter. However, I was tired, drained and I was ready for this to all be over. I was ready for someone else to be strong because I couldn't do it any longer. 

I remember clearly that Sunday night. We came from the hospital where we left my mother sedated, and I walked into my parents closet, went over to my Dad's shirts in the corner, hugged them and just sobbed. I have no idea how long I was there for that night. I just sat there smelling his shirts trying to imagine that he was still there with me. Everything was clean...he was gone....I realized at that moment that I had to stay strong for my mom. She wouldn't be at the funeral the next day and I was going to be speaking. I wanted to say something to honor my father and to make my mother proud all at the same time.

The day of the funeral came and it was and is still an entire blur. The burial, the luncheon and most of the service. I remember the pastor calling my name to come and speak. I walked up, stood at the pulpit, took a few deep breaths - and then I looked at the back doors and down the walkway of the aisles - the last time I was there, I was with my father as he walked me down the aisle to get married. I thought of that long walk the entire time I was speaking. I thought of him holding my hand, giving me a kiss and telling me he loved me - and then my eulogy was over. The day was back to being a blur as we waited for my mother to get out of surgery.

Part of my healing is not always having to be strong. He taught me to be strong, but I am learning to lean on others, that it is ok to be vulnerable and that it is alright to have sadness. 

In Loving Memory of John Yancey Abbott - January 2, 1947-January 28, 2015

“The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living.” I have looked at many quotes the past few days and this is the one that has stuck with me the most.

I look out and see so many wonderful friends and family members that have come here today to celebrate the life of my father. Everyone here has some sort of a memory with him, whether it be big or small, from childhood or adulthood, or even something you learned from myself or Caroline. These memories are why you are here today, because he was loved. These memories that we all have, are what will keep my father alive in our hearts and our minds. While I could stand up here today and tell you the many reasons why I love and adore my father, I am going to tell you what my father loved and adored.

We can start simple:

My father loved history. He loved numbers. He loved ALL sports. He loved politics. He loved clipping coupons. He loved spicy foods. He loved fishing. He loved candy and ice cream…all kinds of ice cream…He loved skiing. He loved to travel with my mom. He loved the river house. He loved his goofy t-shirts. He loved to read and he LOVED to make people smile and laugh.

After Dad was diagnosed with cancer last year, he unfortunately lost some of these loves. But what he gained in return was two-fold.

Dad loved his friends. He honestly loved all of you. Everyone here was on a journey with my father. Your thoughts whether verbal or written to him or to us, were so up-lifting to him. He knew he had so many people fighting for him. He rekindled friendships that were lost and he strengthened others to form a bond that can never be broken.

Dad loved the Akers family. He may have been a brother-in-law, but he was never felt like the outlaw. He loved the family trips we took years ago, and he loved to sit and watch the family dynamic at dinners. He was always quiet and soft spoken, but always with a smile on his face and sometimes a mischievous grin. He loved that the biggest joke within the family was about him, but didn’t really involve him. Everyone always wanted to make a plate for Johnny! In the end, that plate may not have been filled with food, but it was filled with love.

Dad loved his brothers. He would tell Caroline and I stories of how amazing Bill was at football and how he always wanted to be just as good as his big brother. He would tell us how much he wanted to play basketball because he had the height, but that Ned had the best hook shot around so he decided on another sport. He admired them. He loved talking to them and he loved spending time with them whenever he could. I was with my dad the day he found out he was cancer free. We went out to eat after his last scan and we talked about his journey. I will never forget when he told me while the journey was definitely not what he had envisioned, but the fact that it brought he and his brothers closer than ever before was worth it. He said that part of his heart was completely fulfilled.

Dad loved our family. He had his own special bond with each of us. Caroline will always be Scoots. She will always share his love of fishing, nature and being at the river house. She will never look at a fireball candy, medicated chapstick, an Olympic lap pool or a v-neck t-shirt without thinking about Dad. One of her fondest memories was when they danced together at her wedding. Dad had been in the hospital weeks before, and she says she can still remember looking into his eyes as they swayed back and forth and she reminded him that he was the first man she ever loved. She will always have Dad’s beautiful blue eyes, his peace making ways, his sensitivity to others and the kind heart they both share.

For me, I will always be watermelon Helen. I will always have a bond of spicy food, fear of needles, and standing at the edge of the ocean letting the wind hit us in the face and not having a care in the world. I will think of my Dad every time I go grocery shopping, order an onion and jalapeno pizza or smell tiger balm. One of my fondest memories with my father is after I gave birth to Landon. My family came into the room, and I asked my dad if he would be the first one to hold his grandson named after him, Landon John. The light in his eyes and the smile on his face will be engrained in my brain forever. I credit my father for giving me his take it or leave it attitude, his OCD, his strength, his courage, and his fierce loyalty to those that we love.

For mom, He just LOVED her! He loved holding her little hands while they would go to a movie. He loved to watch their Sunday morning show and NCIS. He loved to travel with her, and it was always a running joke that by the end of every trip, everyone knew his name due to the amount of times she would call out for Johnny! He loved the way mom took care of him and the way she could deal with his ornery attitude at times. He loved her determination, her strength and her will-power. He loved that she could keep him going when he no longer thought he could go any further. He loved that she fought so hard with him and for him. He loved their love story.

Dad - Your love, your patience, your understanding, your wisdom, your sensitivity and your loyalty will live on inside of us forever. You have given us gifts that are more precious than anything in this world. You will always live on in our hearts and in all of our memories. Goodbye for now, Dad. Until we see you again. I love you!

The last day of school...another visit with Great Pop!

So how appropriate that on Landon's first day of VPK tomorrow, I am posting the last day of school pictures from June...urgh!

I was in Russia on the last day of school and I made Miriam promise to take some pictures and send them to me so I could see...I hated that I wasn't there but at least I will be here this week to take them both!

It was a pajama party on the last day...

OMG!!! Dylan hair was awful!!!

And he had a shiner...

The weekend after I was back from Russia we went to go and see Great Pop again for his birthday...it was great seeing him and catching up and the boys had a great time...

3 generations...Landon was NOT in a picture taking mood

Loving on Daddy!

I give up....Family, Anniversary, Birthday, Halloween, Death, Christmas and January...

So it is February 2, 2013 and I have not blogged at all since August and even then I was still 2 months behind. I have faced reality that I will never catch up, so I am cheating, giving up and catching up 7 months in one large blog. I realize no one may want to read this since it could be so long and boring, but since this is my chronicle of how I remember things in my life and my kids, I am ok with it!

So here is what I am going to do...summarize and highlight  :)

July - We enjoyed not traveling and just being a family. It had been months since we were all at home and not going in multiple directions...We explored the zoo, aquarium and just enjoyed not being busy!

August - Gabe and I celebrated 9 years of marriage. We didn't do anything super special. Just a nice dinner out just the 2 of us which is very rare.

September - my biggest baby, Landon, turned 5 - my Lord where did the time go. It felt like the other day that he was my big baby - and he was BIG - toddling around the kitchen!

On his first birthday!

 Now he is 5, writing all his letters in upper and lower case and as of today so 5 and a quarter, he is counting and writing to 100, knows all his continents and can tell you the strangest things ever...like the fact that a cuddle fish has 3 hearts and it has blue and green blood...I didn't believe it either until I googled it...He amazes me every day. While his thousands of questions can really get exhausting, at the same time I love that he just wants to learn.

On his actual 5th birthday

 Another thing about Landon is that he is very loyal and he is already super into girls. I will never forget Gabe's mom telling me a story about Gabe at the age of 5 having to buy a special Valentine's for a girl in his class that he loved...well, he has passed that trait on to his oldest (and youngest) son who is in love with Ava. He loves spending time with her and is always asking when they can play again. Can't deny he has good taste!

Landon and Ava at his 5th birthday party!

October - I had my 35th (shutter) birthday...I was not looking forward to being 35...something about being that much closer to and starting to see the crows feet in my eyes. However, Gabe made it awesome. He surprised me by taking me to a gorgeous resort in Clearwater Beach where we had an amazing suite with an even more amazing view. We went to a great dinner at Bern's which was a restaurant that I had been wanting to try since we moved here and then an awesome pampering day of a massage and nails the next morning..It turned out to be one amazing birthday!!!

I also went to Berlin for work this month...Berlin was an amazingly fun city with tons of culture...I had the best group of girls to work with which made the trip that much better. However, this trip was very tough on me. I knew deep down that I couldn't do these trips much more. I was too hard on me to be away from the boys...I missed Landon's first field trip which sounds silly but broke my heart...I just didn't have the passion for it anymore like I had in the past...I love to work but the trips were now just too much!

For Halloween we were invited by some new friends to join them for a neighborhood trick or treat. Of course Landon and Dylan could not wait to go bc Ava was there :)  I decided that we were all going to dress up this year and while we may have looked silly...we had an absolute blast..

 Superhero style!

November - November 1 was by far the hardest day in my life so far...I started the day going to our Tampa office which of after living here for almost a year, I had to go to. I went to the office that day and met many people that I have talked to and worked with and had dinner with a girl friend of mine. Dinner was nice and good conversation. We say good-bye and I am about to start by 50 minute drive back to my house at night...note that I already don't see well in the evening. I am not even 5 minutes into my drive and I get a strange text from a girlfriend saying something about - Isn't that crazy about Rue? I immediately called her and asked her what in the hell she was talking about...I could hear the shutter in her voice when she realized I had no idea what she was talking about. She said, "I am so sorry Helen...I thought you knew. Rue died today." I told her there was no way and she had no idea what she was talking about. I instantly called my sister...she didn't answer. I kept calling and calling and then I called Chris...I asked her when she had last talked to Rue...She said last night (Halloween) and that he was having a great time! I told her what I had heard and she instantly broke down as I had already done...I am driving on a interstate bawling my eyes out and shaking uncontrollably..There is no way this is true...Rue is only 30 years old...I told her I would call his parents as he wasn't answering his cell and I would call her right back. I called his parents house and his dad answered the phone. My heart was pounding out of my chest as I am still driving...I know now I should have absolutely pulled over...I didn't want to have it be the first thing I asked bc in my mind there is no way it was true..I apologized for calling so late and I asked how he was..His response was, "I am ok for under the circumstances." At this point I was hoping that maybe Rue was in an accident and in the hospital...just maybe..and then I knew I had to ask...I will never forget this part of the conversation and I can still hear it...I said, "Mr. Rue...I am sorry to have to ask you this, but I just heard something about Michael which I am hoping is not true...so I just have to ask...is he alright?" His response as I could hear the tears and the shaking in his voice was, "No, unfortunately not. Rue died in his sleep last night. We have been told it was peaceful and he did not suffer." He kept talking about that and I have no idea what he said...I was in absolute shock. How did my friend at the age of 30 die? How am I going to tell Landon his god-father has gone to heaven? How am I going to tell Gabe who was at a football game in Miami about one of his best friends...then I remembered I had to call and tell my sister...I called her back and I know that I have never been that upset in my life..All I could say was..."It is true...it is true...Rue is dead"...We both cried together for about 10 minutes until I made it to my driveway...we said we loved one another and we would talk in the morning...Gabe found out that night from a friend and drove home from Miami and got to the house around 3:30 am..I was still awake going through pictures...we got into bed and both just cried...We left for Atlanta the next day as we knew the funeral would be soon and we just wanted to go home and be with friends. While the funeral was hard, seeing Rue's smile in pictures all over the place was heart warming. He touched so many lives and made friends wherever he went...He was honest...he was real...he was a gentleman...he had faith...he had integrity...and most of all he had loyalty...I can still hear his voice in my head and until his phone was cut off, I would still call his cell and listen to his voicemail message...his phone was turned off recently...even though I know he is gone, I cried when the operator said the number had been disconnected...it was really real...I couldn't hear his voice...I miss him terribly...

He never missed a birthday party!

December - New York and Christmas - I went to New York for work this month which was nice..I had never been to NY in December so I was excited...Also, after living in Tampa for almost a year, I was longing for cold weather...!!! The conference went well and by fast and at the end, Gabe came up join me for the weekend. He had been in Chicago all week for work and we had not had a weekend away just the 2 of us in a long time...while the weather was not in our favor, we still had an amazing time. We were nerdy tourists...Gabe had never been to NY and I knew after one trip that he would never come back either :) Too big of a city for my small town boy!

Gabe with the bull

 Before Christmas, we got an Christmas gift...After over 2.5 years of weekly speech therapy, Dylan graduated!!!! He talks all the time now...I love hearing his voice!!!

Dylan with Ms. Diana - I cannot forget Ms. Nancy from Atlanta either as I cannot thank them both enough

 We decided to stay in Tampa for Christmas this year. My boys didn't get a real Christmas last year bc of our move. The movers came on December 26 last year so we were fully packed and ready to go. No tree, no lights...nothing...So this year we went all out!!! Family came to us and I took 2 weeks off work. It was absolutely amazing.

January - Last month flew by...School started back and I had been out of work for 2 weeks...I took a while to get back in the groove but everything settled into place. We took the boys to the circus and the Monster Truck Rally...They LOVED it...I on the other hand realized that these events are my future!

Circus

Monster Truck

Gabe and I were invited by some new friends to join them for Gasparilla...the best way to describe it is Tampa's version of Mardi Gras but just with pirates. We had an absolutely amazing time out on the boat, being with friends and having some good old fashion adult time!

Boats and police were everywhere

Gasparilla was last weekend so I am now caught up! Gabe is on his annual ski trip with my dad and Chris joined them this year! The boys and I had a great day and night together and while I should have long been asleep this blog has been something I have been wanting to do for a while. So here's to doing a better job in the coming posts! If you are still reading this, I am shocked :)

Caroline is engaged, Moscow, Russia and Dolphin Tale...

After a few months of no international travel, it was time for me to hit the road and head to Moscow for our Board meeting. This trip had not even started and I was exhausted. This was by far the MOST complex meeting we had ever planned due to visa requirements, travel issues, language barriers and the fact that Russia is VERY expensive. I left for Russia on a Friday night and flew from Tampa to New York, JFK where I met a friend. I talked to my sister before I left for Russia and she told me she was headed to Houston to see Chris and that they were going to San Antonio for the weekend...I KNEW IT!!! I knew in my mind that San Antonio was a super romantic city (my best friend got engaged there) and that she was about to get engaged...then it occurred to me...she was going to get engaged while I was on the flipping flight to Russia...urgh!!!! Oh well, it was what it was...I told Jena what was going to happen and as soon as we landed in Moscow, I turned on my blackberry and there it was on Facebook...my sister was engaged!!! I tried calling but there was an 8 hour time difference so I didn't get her...I was SOOOOOOOOOOOO excited for her and couldn't wait to hear the news of how he did it..

She has never been happier and I am thrilled for her and for our family to gain a new member...hope he knows what he is in for :)

The happy couple!!

So back to Russia...We always arrive a few days before the start of the meeting to print, meet the hotel staff, go through the agenda, etc...This time we did the same and thank goodness we did as we had plenty of items to work through...On the very first day in the office, this was already our motto...

The meeting went very well and we had an amazing team...My goal of loosing a few pounds didn't happen due to my alcohol consumption but it was well worth it :)

When I do these trips, I am fortunate to get to see some amazing things as well. We had a tour of the Kremlin and had a short performance at the Bolshoi...I don't know if I would ever do Russia on my own so I was very fortunate for the opportunity!

The colors were amazing!

Just for Gabe!

Do you think Russians like gold? 

No...I have no idea what this says...

After it was all said and done, I was glad that I went but I was beyond ready to go home...I was exhausted and can sure tell I am getting older...

I was on the flight back and before we took off, I hunched over and fell asleep on my blanket and pillow covered in plastic...I woke up to a flight attendant shaking me to wake up as he was concerned I was going to suffocate myself on the plastic because I was in that deep of a sleep! I ended up sleeping the entire flight home and came home nice and rested for my boys...

The morning after I got home the boys were ready to go and have fun...our good friends were in town on the way down to Miami so we met them at the Dolphin Tale Aquarium so the kids could get a few hours in together...These have been Landon and Dylan's friends since the day they were born!

Holding Winter's prosthetic tail...

Being silly!

Dylan's first visit to the dentist and water fun...

Dylan went to the dentist for the first time in May...I was a bit nervous since it was another doctor that we had to try out again and I was very hopeful that I would like him...and we did. the facility was great and the people that worked there were absolutely lovely...I was very happy!

We had talked to Dylan all week about going to the dentist and he wanted NOTHING to do with it and every time we talked about it he got upset, so needless to say I was worried. However, when the day came, he did amazing!!! Not one tear and was such a great listener for the cleaning! I was so proud of him and he was super proud of himself which was ever cuter!

I was a bit worried to see what the dentist had to say about Dylan's teeth because they are super spread out and Landon's are so close and already all together...turns out the dentist has less concerns about Dylan and more about Landon because his teeth are so close together. I had to have 4 permanent teeth and wisdom teeth taken out because I didn't have enough room and Landon may have the same issue. However, instead of removing teeth now, they put a spacer in the roof of his mouth to make more room...they said this won't happen for a few more years so only time will tell!

Such a big boy!

Can't forget about my other big boy!!!

Most important...no cavities :)

For the weekend, we decided to just stay at home and take it easy in our own backyard...who knew an over-sized kiddie pool and some water guns could turn into hours of fun!

Can't forget about my other boy... :)

This may now be one of my all time favorites!!!

Insisted on eating with his goggles on!!!